What To Do When Elderly Parents Refuse Help: Communication Tips
Having to support parents who are aging brings with it a wide array of challenges, with communication consistently ranking as the key issue. If you find yourself struggling when elderly parents continuously refuse help, understand that you aren't alone. In accordance with a study published by researchers of Penn State University, nearly 77% of all children who are of adult age believe that their parents are stubborn with respect to getting aid for daily tasks or taking advice. The good news is that such a situation is not without hope.
How can parents understand and accept care?
Many professionals who specialize in health and aging care recommend the below steps to relieve the anxiety and resentment that typically accompanies the assistance of elderly parents who say no to help.
1. Understanding Motivation
Aging of the body and mind is a challenge for everyone. A large number of adults are living with mental health issues like depression or anxiety, and others are living with some form of dementia. Learning how to inform an older loved one that they need help through understanding their emotions can facilitate greater communication.
Social workers have stated that it is important to realize that a person's autonomy is important to them. Therefore, a child taking care of their parents must ask the following questions regarding observed behavior:
· Is the parent acting a certain way out of habit?
· Is the parent worried about a loss of independence?
· Is the parent suffering from anxiety or depression?
· Does the parent have dementia or is confused?
· What are some of the parent's fears?
Identification of the root causes motivating a parent's behavior can allow you to find the best way to make healthy, meaningful changes.
2. Accept What Is
Even though you may have the best interest of your parents in mind, the reality is simply that they control their own options for care as well as their own life. They are adults with the full right to make their own decisions, even if they sometimes end up being poor decisions.
Acceptance of this fact can help lower personal stress and improve the relationship with your aging elders.
3. Pick Your Battles
Most people fail to respond well to both perceived and real nagging. Overextended periods of time, it may do you well to stop insisting that parents update apps on their phones, join a wellness center, or complete other nonessential, though beneficial tasks. Instead, make a decision regarding which issues are most important and, at least at first, focus on them. For instance, matters that involve safety should always take top priority.
Yet still, keep in mind that elderly parents have a higher probability of taking your concerns seriously in the event that you do not bombard them with so many at once, regardless of validity.
4. Don't Blame Yourself
Even professional mediators struggle to assist parents that refuse help. Even with mothers suffering from leukemia and fathers suffering from dementia, it's not uncommon to see old couples insist on traveling internationally for vacation.
The hardest part is often knowing that problems can be averted but won't. As the child of elderly parents, don't hit your head against a wall. There often isn't much that can be done outside of standing by, watching closely, and jumping in as needed.
5. Treat Elderly Parents like the Adults They Are
Although it may often feel as if you have switched roles with your parents at the time, assisting the elderly who refuse is much easier when you treat them with respect and acknowledge their wants and needs.
Dealing with stubborn parents is in no way comparable to dealing with stubborn children, as the former should remain as autonomous as possible. No matter what, the goal should be to help the parents receive the best possible care.
You stand a far better likelihood of getting positive results by treating elderly parents like the adults they are. This includes simple tasks, like helping them remember to take medications, as well as harder tasks like helping to provide treatment for diabetes.
6. Request They Obey for the Sake of the Kids/Grandkids
If you find that your elderly parents are unwilling to change their behavior for their own sake, perhaps they will for loved ones. For instance, some people quit smoking after their siblings argued that it put the grandchildren at risk.
An additional approach to assisting elderly parents is to be direct in the way that it affects you, their child. Communicate all concerns to your parent and explain why your anxieties will be reduced if they follow your advice.
7. Find a Way to Vent
In the event that you are frustrated that an elderly parent refuses to take medication or relocate to a safer living space, it's recommended to find a proper outlet for your pent-up emotions, but not to direct it towards the parents. Rather, find a way to strategize with or simply confide in a friend, therapist, sibling, Senior Living Advisor, or online support group.
This is essential if you stand as the primary caregiver.
It is very easy to be overwhelmed with anxiety, fear, and frustration when constantly assisting parents who say no to help, regardless of how much you love them. Protect yourself from this by putting yourself first and discovering the best activities that are designed to release these negative emotions.
8. Include Your Parents in Future Plans
Including loved ones in plans for the future will inevitably motivate them to acquire needed care. Even in the event that the parent hasn't been diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer's disease, life with memory loss is quite tragic to acknowledge and deal with. Helping the elderly remember critical dates eases tension for everyone involved.
For example, is there a family celebration you desire to attend that's coming up, like a wedding, anniversary, or graduation? You should not only bring this up, but discuss it consistently, place the date on the calendar, and share the enthusiasm.
Be Prepared for the Talk About Senior Living
Having an important discussion with a loved one regarding senior living can often feel intimidating, and yet there are a series of steps that can be followed to ease the process.
Set up the right time and practice empathy - Before jumping into a conversation, try to put yourself in the shoes of your loved one first. Imagine their fears, thoughts, and emotions. Consider location, personal preferences, and who is involved in your empathetic approach.
Prepare yourself - It helps to familiarize oneself with general information regarding the various options available for senior living. Therefore, it's recommended to take time to learn about several community options like memory care, independent living, and assisted living. Different communities simplify daily life in different ways for residents. Try asking questions like where they would want to live, which daily tasks do they need help with and are there any particular services that matter to them.
Stay engaged and listen - Always prioritize listening to your parents as they need the opportunity to speak their mind. Be mindful of your own reactions that could indicate a form of judgment. Give your parents full attention and make eye contact. Use a positive tone when speaking in response to their expression of a feeling or thought. This lets them know you are engaged in the conversation with a desire to understand. Do not interrupt, and do not try to share your personal thoughts in the middle of your loved one's speech.
End the talk on good terms - Whether you're on the same page with your loved one or not, it's crucial to end all conversations on an uplifting or positive note. Say thank you and consider asking a closing question to gauge their mood. Be genuine and respond with what you appreciated most about the discussion.
Plan for next steps - Let the loved one know you have a commitment to reach a mutually agreed-upon solution. Relieve them of questions and concerns by assuring them that you have the appropriate resources that can help, which often means connecting with a financial or senior living advisor. It's also not uncommon to revisit previously discussed matters at a later time. Make plans to speak or meet with them again in the future. What is most important is to establish a plan that allows your elderly parents to feel as if they are listened to, they matter, and they are supported by you.
How to handle refusal of help
Take every opportunity to listen to the needs of your parents. While you might have their best interests at heart, it's critical to remind yourself that they must remain in control of their final decisions and have autonomy. Having open discussions, establishing a comfortable middle ground, and ensuring that the parents are at the center of the focus understand that you are coming from a place of care and love.
Written By: Garrett Hanes
